The Push for Independence
Why We Should Let Go (Sometimes)
by Eileen Gefell (Nursery 3s Teacher)
Parents often do things for their children that kids are perfectly capable of doing themselves. Sometimes, it's a slight delay in recognizing their child's growing maturity. Other times, parents might want to reinforce their nurturing role. But often, it simply comes down to convenience: it's just easier and faster to do it yourself.
Think about it: it's quicker to dress your child than to wait for them to do it. Pushing a stroller is simpler than coaxing a reluctant walker. Pull-ups beat underwear, and sippy cups are less messy than glasses. You might even spoon-feed a child who can feed themselves, just to ensure they're eating enough. And who can blame a parent for avoiding the dreaded battle over giving up a bottle or pacifier?
So, does it really matter if you still put your child's shoes on, or if they ride in a stroller long past their prime? Why not spoon-feed your three-year-old, especially if they seem to enjoy it? Why do educators emphasize fostering independence and autonomy so much?
Most parents want their children to be assertive, to speak up for themselves, and to feel confident enough to navigate social situations or ask for help. We want them to sleep in their own beds, think for themselves, and make good choices. These are all hallmarks of a confident, capable, and independent individual.
However, achieving these broader goals hinges on supporting children through simpler, earlier milestones. This means letting them learn to dress themselves, eat independently, use underwear, walk instead of being pushed, and eventually give up the bottle or pacifier. An infant is entirely dependent, and expecting otherwise would be irrational. But growing up is a gradual process of separation—first physically, then by developing a sense of separate identity and independent thought. This separation isn't just about saying goodbye at the classroom door; it's about the child internalizing your support and believing they can function without you.
Some children naturally embrace independence, even eager to take on more than they're ready for. Others might feel threatened by it, fearing a loss of parental nurture or love. A few might even feel guilty if they sense you want them to remain dependent. And some children are simply waiting for your cues. Every child develops at their own pace; toilet training, for example, isn't a one-size-fits-all milestone. It's crucial to consider temperament, family patterns, cultural expectations, and other variables when encouraging independence. However, most children need your support and approval as they learn new skills and become active participants in their own care. When you communicate and uphold age-appropriate expectations, you're also communicating your confidence in their abilities.
When you continue to do things your child is capable of doing, you might be unintentionally sending an undermining message: that you don't believe they are truly capable. The language we use is also crucial. When we say things like, “be careful” we inadvertently send an undermining message. Instead try, “Does that feel safe?
In a school setting, fostering this development is often easier for educators. We can wait for a three-year-old to put on their own shoes or weather a tantrum over a cup of water. We understand that at home, a parent might opt for the stroller, pull out the diapers, or quickly dress their child just to get through the day. But it's vital to also create moments where you communicate your confidence in your child's growing abilities and acknowledge their achievements.
I often hear parents ask, "How did you get them to do that?"
Sometimes, the answer is as simple as, "By expecting them to."